Conclusion: If you don’t understand your own worth, you’ll keep comparing yourself to others.
At the root of comparing yourself to others is, I think, a part of you that can’t believe you have value.
If you can’t affirm yourself, you end up using others as the standard to confirm your own worth.
Why I came to this conclusion:
There are several reasons I reached this perspective:
1. When you compare yourself to others, your attention turns outward → you get caught up in “how others see me,” and lose sight of “how I want to be.”
2. Humans are wired to be aware of themselves within a group → by acting like those around them, they avoid being excluded and increase their chance of survival.
3. Using others as your standard makes your own values unclear → each time you think “that person is right” or “that person is amazing,” you abandon your own axis.
For example:
• You feel depressed seeing how fulfilled others seem on social media
• You feel anxious seeing others get married, have kids, or get promoted
• You feel self-loathing because you can’t honestly be happy for others’ success
• You feel anxious and lost when alone, unsure of who you really are
I see these situations all around me.
My own experience:
I used to make decisions based on “what others would think of me.”
Even things like what to wear, how to act, or what job to take — I chose based on “maybe everyone will like me if I do this.”
But when I was alone, I would suddenly feel:
“Am I really okay with this?” “Why am I so tired?”
It was because I had abandoned my own desires and was living by others’ standards.
Once I realized this, I gradually started to face myself more.
What to do: Clarify your own ‘desires’ before comparing
What’s necessary to stop comparing isn’t to force yourself to stop.
Before comparing, you need to clarify your own desires and values.
For example:
• What kind of life do you really want?
• When do you feel fulfilled?
• How do you feel when you see someone else’s success?
Just putting your own answers into words, little by little, helps you build the strength to measure life by your own standard rather than by others’.
My example:
I have a desire to “live in a nice house.”
But rather than envying someone else’s mansion, my “ideal” looks like this:
• A 5-bedroom house (two kids’ rooms, a study, living room, bedroom)
• Built in a location where I can bike to a main train station
• Has a yard with a wooden sauna (plus a cold shower under 15℃)
• Fenced so I can go into the yard shirtless without being seen
• A garage that fits 3 cars
• Monthly payments under 150,000 yen
This might seem shallow still, but by defining my own desires clearly, the feeling of envy toward others’ big houses naturally fades.
Because once my ideal is clear, there’s no need to compare with others.
Summary: Comparing isn’t evil, but…
Comparing yourself to others is, I think, a natural human feeling.
So I don’t think you need to force yourself to stop.
However, if that comparison is bringing you pain,
it might be a sign you’re losing sight of yourself.
Instead of comparing yourself to others, find out “what do I want?”
That, I believe, is the first step toward reclaiming a life that is truly your own.
